Friday, April 29, 2011

J/K,. No, but Seriously...

Another week has zoomed by. I almost feel like my life is slipping away! j/k No... seriously.... kinda. I'm so glad today is a short day at work, Unfortunately we are usually a bit slower which makes time drag out so much more! I don't really have any plans for this afternoon/evening. I did buy fabric the other day to make Ms. Deborah a purse that I might work on. I wanted to start last night but I was so unmotivated. I was supposed to meet Katie at Barnes & Noble but I just wasn't feeling that great and felt it would be best to rest. I love my friends but sometimes their drama can be a bit too draining. Staying at home didn't seem to help much. I get into a "blah" mood too easily when I stay in lately. I need to find a good balance of going out (even if it's just errands) and just being at home for the evening.

So I'm still dating Greg. I've been trying to text him more but it seems like such an act. Wednesday I went to the gym because I was feeling restless and just needed to let out some tension - gotta love endorphins, seriously! I was on my way out and I ran into my ex that's a trainer there. Now he was my first "love", the one who broke my heart into a million pieces, etc. Things have been off and on the past 4 years with us being friends, more than friends, and not speaking at all. We had a bit of a thing going on this past summer. I was for sure something was going to happen between us. We've always had a strong chemistry and I've always felt differently (stronger) about him than any of the other guys I've dated. I've always wanted more from the relationship than he has and that's our main problem. Anyways, long story short, I decided that I could not go on being "just friends" with a liar (he had tricked me yet again). We hadn't had any contact what so ever since last September until a few weeks ago.

So me being in a perky mood (thanks, endorphins) we ended up chatting for a bit and it all came back. All those memories, that chemistry, old plans and dreams. I am pathetic, I'll admit it. When I left he said he hopes that he'll "have the pleasure of running into me again" (at the gym). I creeped on checked his Facebook later that night (I had blocked him because it was too hard to see him commenting on other people's profiles and see him and his new girlfriend). Turns out he's single.... Of course I read into everything and think that maybe, just maybe things will be different this time (as opposed to all of the other "this times").

No, I really don't think things will be any different. What I want is for us to finally be happy together and get back all of that lost time and let go of resentments from years ago. With other guys (Greg) I tend to feel kinda numb, just going through the motions. I feel obligated to see them and don't get that "giddy with excitement" feeling being around them or thinking about them. But with him and a 25 min conversation I feel like a little teenager again, thinking every love song is written for me and drawing little hearts everywhere. I know that we want different things so it's best to have nothing at all because I'm never satisfied with being just friends. It's hard to know where to draw the line.

I'm trying to feel that way about Greg hoping that maybe something will click and I won't have my ex on my brain so I can finally build up better relationships. My heart and my head are constantly telling me different things and it's frustrating to say the least...

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