I mentioned yesterday that I am newly single. I have been planning on ending things with this boyfriend for a few weeks now, the timing just hadn't been right (didn't want to right after Easter, a date, etc.). So I get a text from my friend, Katie, who set us up and she gives me a heads up that Greg said that he is going to break up with me. So I get a call from him a few minutes later. I think he had this script written out or something because wouldn't stop talking - ha. He told me that he wants a serious relationship but I didn't seem to want the same thing and he felt like I was avoiding him (ya think?!). So later that night I was on Facebook and I clicked on his profile (he had changed his relationship status pretty fast). Turns out that he had been tagged several times this weekend with some girl. I clicked on her picture and she is
NOT what I expected. Long, bleach blonde hair and fake orange tan. Complete opposite of me. My friends and I as a bit shocked considering how "obsessed" he was with me. Strange? So I blocked him because I didn't want to see him or him see me. Fair enough, right?! Maybe 15 min. later Katie texts me saying that Greg is asking her if I blocked him. Ummm... the only way he'd know that is if he was trying to view my profile. Slightly
creepy. One thing that I have learned from this is that I love my friends but I question their judgement when they try to play matchmaker!!!
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| She gets me through SO much! |
Now that feelings are resurfacing with an ex, my emotional state is so flaky. Damn boys! I had "cut him off" from all communication about 6 months ago but after talking to him at the gym a few weeks ago has changed that. There's just always been a spark... something there that's different from anyone else. Part of the reason that I stuck it out with Greg for as long as I did was that I can get a bit "emotionally" unattached" at times and wanted to make sure that I wasn't just going through a phase. I wasn't really feeling the chemistry between us, but after I talked to Josh (20 min max) or even get a smile from him I go all "giddy with excitement." So it is possible for me to have a heart vs. feeling like a cold, heartless bitch (with Greg).
The thing(s) is/are that I have no idea what is going on in Josh's life other than he is working as a personal trainer, finished with finals this week, and that he isn't in a relationship (according to Facebook). We are talking about hanging out and catching up soon, but for all I know he could be interested in someone else. I want oh so badly for us to have a real chance. Part of the reason we never worked was timing, one of us was really busy or far away. So we kinda "detached" ourselves from the relationship so it would be easier to get over each other. I think that did the complete opposite and has only made it harder to get over each other.
I guess I need to collect all my scattered thoughts and figure out what I want to tell him. I want to put all of the past resentments on the table and start fresh. I mean, this has been going on for over 4 years. It's like he keeps popping up in my life for a reason, but the pieces never "click." I just an anxious that I make myself so vulnerable to him and he leaves me hanging (like he's done in the past). But like a friend said, "I don't have him now so what's the worst that could happen?" I don't have to fall apart, I am stronger than that. I will not allow one person to make or break me.
